Yes, one of those times. Had a decent lecture about trying to understand locals beliefs around a mine in Papua New Guinea and a tutorial trying to understand Kant. I've had a couchsurfer for the last couple days--guy from Colorado on his gap year looking at St Andrews to see if he wants to come. Full of curiosity and worry and enthusiasm and caring-"where should I go to college?" It was a serious question, once. I told him that ultimately where-ever he goes he will rationalise it into the "right choice". He is worried about the cost of coming here. He wants to do psychology and philosophy and is interested in theatre.
It makes me wonder...and doesn't. In a lot of ways, St Andrews is such an anti-intellectual, unacademic place. People are burned out from the rigors of British schools and specialised and interested in career options over pure learning, and I find that I still enjoy and get more out of my blogs and internet searches than classes, even though they are at "my level" at this point. Everyone is looking to the future, everyone is getting drunk in the present. It's like some sort of national sore or scab of safety and properness and pure and utter boredom that the UK tries to cover with a thin salve of drunkenness and violence. There is a feeling of bitterness at the orderliness of first world life. There is so little spontaneous joy. Or maybe that's just me.
Everywhere, I feel a past of other possibilities. In less than 2 months, I will be 20. I have accomplished so much, but by whose standards? Academic learning is getting under my skin and I really want to pick up practical skills, to do manual labour. I am going through all the correct motions but am not really invested or interested in them. There is so much else out there. I learned just a few days ago that the university has a postgraduate museum curator course. How many walks of life are there that I have never even thought about, let alone learned about? No wonder so many people want to be teachers--in some ways, we are exposed to so little, and you can't want what you do not know.
I recognise doing things just to make myself feel good, and it scares me. Maybe its cooking for myself, but I've gotten much better attuned to my body chemistry and the fact that I can change my mood in clunky mechanical ways that aren't tied to anything else or important for anything but changing my mood. Rather than having some grand task or even smaller projects, rather than having a goal, I simply continue while regulating my oscillating moods. This is probably just removing the veil of purpose from my vision and seeing the world as it really is, but it's disheartening. I have so many friends, good marks, projects, accomplishments, plans, etc, etc. Etc. Maybe etc is the problem. (that sentence doesn't really mean anything.)
Give me some advice, older and wiser people. I want something new to look at, a new goal to consider, anything but, "yes, everyone goes through this..." In some ways, that's the most disheartening thing of all, isn't it? Kind of a cruel irony: dissatisfaction with the blase has itself become blase.
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3 comments:
I know you don't want to hear this, but everyone goes through this. I just had to annoy you, because that's how I am. BUT I will say, keeping your ears open as you're doing is the ticket. I had no idea there was a field "technical writing" when I was in college. In fact, there WASN'T a field "technical writing" when I was in school (or at least not how it was defined when I was doing it." I knew I loved to write, and while desperately looking at the want ads, I kept seeing this "field" listed under "writing." Knew nothing. Etc., Etc. BS'd my way into my first job, and made a good living at it for more than 20 years... Not altogether unhappily so.
But I know this doesn't help you. But it is related to your angst.
And I have to be a little sad how you've taken my college choice mantra -- "You'll end up where you should" -- and modified it to "You'll justify where you end up." That's so like you... But I still love you.
Lots of interesting thoughts. Some random responses.
1. Manual labor is highly overrated. I spent 2 months full time just after college working on a maintenance crew, scraping old paint and doing construction type activities. Ask your mom... it was a most unpleasant companion during that time! Ditto for times when I have had to spend days digging ditches for home repairs. Want to get over the romantic feeling? Go to work on a roofing crew or pick cotton for a couple weeks!
2. As a philosophy major, don't they have you pondering the meaning of life? Is it material success? Enjoyable close relationships with a few people? Leaving behind a better world (however you define that)? Expressing your inner muse? Maximizing your impact on the gene pool? If you can figure out a general destination, it helps you narrow the paths you might take.
3. Mentorship works. Talk to lots of people. Find out about their work, what they spend most of their days doing, and how they got there. Networking doesn't have to be brown-nosing, it can also be a way of sampling for information. Once you find something you might be interested in, find someone doing it who can serve as a key informant or guide to help you move in that direction, and give you honest feedback if it turns out not to be your "cup of tea".
Enough advice from your aged-p.
Bored, jaded and blase are the temperamental traps of highly educated, perfectionist over-achievers. Nothing ever quite measures up. Things are rarely, truly OK. Satisfaction and contentment are avoided because they feel suspiciously lazy. NOT beavering away at some BETTER idea, persona, future moment for EVEN ONE INSTANT causes eye tics and a vague feeling of dis-ease.
I'm told that the same activities and tasks approached without this attitude can become interesting and satisfying. Intellectuals, social observers of all sorts and the chattering classes the world over - not just the Brits - are not very good at "spontaneous joy".
And i readily admit to little experience of this happy state.
I totally second your Dad's opinion of manual labor especially when one has no choice about it and it has to be done for a living. It is NOT NOBLE. It's stupid, stultifying and routine. They used to have to make people slaves to get them to do it! People aren't dumb. Only intellectuals think they are missing something.
The only thing worse than excessive orderliness is - you guessed it - non-orderliness or chaos. Paradoxically, the very American cult of the "wonderful individual" leads directly to the very unfree, conformist war of each against all. There has got to be some sort of balance where civility AND eccentricity can flourish.
Oh - and I think your Mom is overly optimistic. Not only does everyone go through this- but, some of us, never escape it!
(Kidding.....mostly......just kidding....I couldn't resist.....:-)
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