Hi Art :) . Here's an in-print thing I wrote down late last week. I tend not to put vulnerable stuff up on the internet (aka public domain) because it seems more personal and, of course, by its very nature makes me insecure. This is general enough I feel okay posting it--if you have specific questions, e-mail me and I promise I'll answer as humanly as possible.
"I feel as alone as I've felt in 2 years. I feel as alone as I feel.
It is times like these, surrounded by drunk people, that I realise this essential truth. We're all the same--I believe that firmly--underneath, we are all identical. This is not a unifying force. This is what separates us. It is not that we are ashamed, it is the pure and putrefying fact that NO ONE is interesting. NO ONE is special--and this, by extension, neither are you. It is the saddest fate. It is the loneliest fate. Our normality divides us, cuts us off from one another, and in its cruel tricks makes the very essence of that loneliness unexceptional, a communal experience.
And one of my (old) friends is a rapper now. 'Sage Word Wise'--"because my sage words make me wise," he tells me. He's not bad. For a white dude. I had love, I had so much love I was bursting with it. I feel deflated, like a bone with the meat scraped off. My cup is empty now. It's exciting, in a way, opportunity! Bullshit, bollocks. It's terrifying. I don't want people I don't like people BUT I NEED PEOPLE and that's the conundrum that's the honest truth that is what makes me the same and the sheer staggering humanity of it all makes me SICK. What are the lines in 4.48 Psychosis?
'Validate me!
Witness me!
See me!
Love me!'
Sarcastic. Sardonic. Sincere.
Yeah, that."
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Upcoming: Romeo & Juliet, Forum Theatre, Brief Interviews with Hideous Men
A Californian, a Scot, and a Shanghainese walk into a bar...
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Upcoming: Romeo & Juliet, Forum Theatre, Brief Interviews with Hideous Men
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Soft Night
silent graffiti
sprawling words stretched out on cream pink walls
spattered from on high by the seagulls
that freewheeled and caw-cawed through aharsh pink sky
still graffiti
a motionless oasis
in violence, silent. calm,
but eagerly longing for discovery:
notice me!
here! I am out of place
no whitewashed walls
a monument TO MAN’S INGENUITY
no pyramids of the metropolis
only the loving work of boys
somewhere between testament and confession
they who posses nothing
but are the property of adults
spray themselves out on other adult property
this is mine! until the paint
is covered by another layer
dogs piss at a fire hydrant
silent graffiti
crackling ground under Nikes
and from
far off
the whirr of sirens.
7 comments:
Brian, send me your email addy and let the discussion ensue!
xx
hehe it's bs258@st-andrews.ac.uk
The email is on its way :)
Your post really struck a nerve and made me think about humans and our
nature and I wanted to mail you my thoughts on it, I hope you don't mind!
I can post it on your blog as a comment so other people can discuss if ya
like :) This caught me eye:
"It is the saddest fate. It is the loneliest fate. Our normality divides
us, cuts us off from one another, and in its cruel tricks makes the very
essence of that loneliness unexceptional, a communal experience."
At first I thought this was a paradox. That is, the premise that what
separates us can't possibly be reason why we are drawn closer together
however upon reflection you have an extremely valid point that highlights
a deep and inherent aspect of the human condition. We are all bound to
one another by our need, I am not using the term 'need' lightly here, for
acceptance, love and validation however if we do not attain these things
we are branded outcasts or any other term of that nature. I never thought
humans acted in this way as a result of our own personal struggle to have
people around us; that is if X has no 'friends' then it is better for me
because I will have more, but we do. It opened my eyes to the intentions
behind our actions and I'm not sure if I like it, it frightens me
somewhat.
What does that say about humans and our nature? Does that confirm Hobbes'
theory that we are in the state of nature and only care for our own
survival and reaching our own ends? I honestly can't answer that
question, maybe you can as the writer :).
Also, your point about loneliness and needing people but not wanting them
is fantastic Brian! It really gets to the heart of human nature and makes
me wonder what else the human condition forces us to want or need when we
don't actually want them. Can there be anything else or are we just not
aware of it?
On a less philisophical note:
I did get a huge wave of emotion upon reading it the first time; it brought a few
tears and really described, perfectly, how I feel when my self harm takes over. I
know it wasn't written about SH or any sort of mental health issue however I do feel
the message transferable to any given struggle.
It was fantastic Brian, meaningful, emotive and forces the reader to deal with
issues that we, as humans, like to push to the back of our minds. I am reminded of
the general message from the author HP lovecraft; that is if we truly look into the
depths of humanity we will see something so vulgar, so wrong and terrible at the
heart of it all we can't cope with it. I tried to resist using this quotation but I
can't!: "the truth!? You can't handle the truth!"
Joolz xx
My gut instinct, Brian - I don't think lonliness is our ultimate fate. I also don't think there is anything wrong with it - lonliness. I think we are built to "need" people. I think not "wanting to need people" comes from a perfectly understandable mistrust. I also think an "autonomous independence" is impossible and possible delusional. These are conundrums which I will have to ponder more before I can say anything else.
Oh - and I also think vulgarity and whatever it's opposite is and all shades in between ramble around inside all of us all the time and that this fact can be viewed as energetic, powerful and mysterious rather than or in addition to simply depressing.
It all rather depends upon your concept of human nature doesn't it?
Humanity is designed to be fundamentally alone, this is basic in us. But to suggest that this is the unifying feature in our social interaction I would suggest is wrong.
As for validation? Few of our species ever really seek it out, they constitute the few, the elite with capacity and influence over the mass.
If anything there is only one commonality which divides as you suggest. That is our common, and ruthless, pursuit of pleasure.
And not mere utilitarianism either.
It is more degenerated and grass than this, but then- we are a grass and fundamentally a-moral species.
Our common social interaction as a grouping at any time is for the ruthless -and entirely lonerish and selfish] pursuit of what will pleasure us. What will maximise our own, personal, satisfactions and desires. For some this thirst leads to a stairway, one which doesn't end. These people are the true and most representative emodiment of our vile species.
deanthetory
new-right.blogspot
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