St Andrews, I understand you not.
Decided on an essay topic for World Religions that is essentially a book analysis. Our library has exactly four copies of said book, so the internet will be my friend.
Did pre-advising for Philosophy, where I confirmed that I cannot have a degree that mentions "Philosophy" and "Sustainable Development" in the same breath. It simply cannot be done, and this is how it has always been done, and so shall it be done henceforth.
And got a 19 (of 20, meaning "almost perfect") on my social audit for SD--the 10,000 word monstrosity I birthed in four days. First of all, thank you dad!, but it also makes me wonder about my work here and just gives the feeling that the amount of time I put into something is in no way proportional to the grade I get. Not that I haven't always known that, so maybe this is just figuring out how to game this new system? I am happy about it and it just more firmly makes me want to go on with SD, albeit with the continued feeling that academics (here) is a bit of a joke. But with devious plans to get an SD degree and do a play as my dissertation...
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Jew
We're doing a section on Judaism in World Religions and just had a tutorial that made me think a lot. Mostly because I didn't speak in it--which was part of what I thought about. To explain:
There was one guy in the tutorial, an American, of course, who early on made an answer with reference to having a lot of Jewish friends. He immediately became the tutorial's authority on all things Jew, which was interesting, as a few people in the tutorial specifically mentioned not knowing any jews. The tutorial was ostensibly about the film Everything is Illuminated, which I hadn't seen, but is about an American jew tracing his history back past the Holocaust. I say "ostensibly" because Divinity tutorials like to be warm and fuzzy and get people talking about how things like "heritage" and "the past" are important to them. This tutorial meets only once every other week so I there wasn't a kind of rapport where I could jump in with links to Judaism and the Holocaust, especially because I have conflicted feelings about both. This naturally segued into me trying to figure out in my head what my feelings were.
Most of my religious/family education comes from my Dad, I think because they play a larger part in his identity (being something to grow from, not something to grow away from, as I think they are for Mom), and because the holocaust makes a good story (what does this say about us?) it features prominently in what I think of as my origins. Jewishness also features, although a lot less prominently--I always feel like an outer fringe of that community. A fair bit of the family that I know are jewish to various degrees and I have been to quite a few Jewish holidays/events (bar mitzvahs, weddings, funerals), but as a son-of-a-son-of-a-son of of secular non-practicing Jews in a tradition that is supposed to go through mothers anyways, my relationship is oddly tenuous, though probably stronger than any other religious identification that I have.
I'm also shit-terrified of Zionism, which adds another layer. I'm not entirely sure why, but I suppose it has to do with disliking nationalism of any type, Jewish nationalism feeling artificial and harmful, all nationalism feeling artificial (being about 200 years old, and maybe its better than rival empires or maybe just a mask for it) and harmful, and not liking friends holding beliefs that I struggle to rationally understand. I think it also has to do with my 'fringe' Jewish cultural identity and a strong Holocaust identification--it's a state created in response to the Holocaust, which I consider important, but one that I don't think my diluted Jewishness has any claim to. People going on their "birthright" scares me because of this, and because of the ideology that they come back with, particularly given that being friends with Muslims and traveling in the Middle East has made me much more sympathetic to Palestine than Israel, though I think I've learned to separate my feelings about states from my feelings about the people in them.
So, I'm glad I've given this a bit of thought.
Talked to Cheolseung rather than going to lectures today, and am still in a very strange and confused mood that is mostly unpleasant. Have some deadlines coming up, so need to get cracking on those. Mostly seeing if giving lethargy a long leash will make it go away. Results pending.
There was one guy in the tutorial, an American, of course, who early on made an answer with reference to having a lot of Jewish friends. He immediately became the tutorial's authority on all things Jew, which was interesting, as a few people in the tutorial specifically mentioned not knowing any jews. The tutorial was ostensibly about the film Everything is Illuminated, which I hadn't seen, but is about an American jew tracing his history back past the Holocaust. I say "ostensibly" because Divinity tutorials like to be warm and fuzzy and get people talking about how things like "heritage" and "the past" are important to them. This tutorial meets only once every other week so I there wasn't a kind of rapport where I could jump in with links to Judaism and the Holocaust, especially because I have conflicted feelings about both. This naturally segued into me trying to figure out in my head what my feelings were.
Most of my religious/family education comes from my Dad, I think because they play a larger part in his identity (being something to grow from, not something to grow away from, as I think they are for Mom), and because the holocaust makes a good story (what does this say about us?) it features prominently in what I think of as my origins. Jewishness also features, although a lot less prominently--I always feel like an outer fringe of that community. A fair bit of the family that I know are jewish to various degrees and I have been to quite a few Jewish holidays/events (bar mitzvahs, weddings, funerals), but as a son-of-a-son-of-a-son of of secular non-practicing Jews in a tradition that is supposed to go through mothers anyways, my relationship is oddly tenuous, though probably stronger than any other religious identification that I have.
I'm also shit-terrified of Zionism, which adds another layer. I'm not entirely sure why, but I suppose it has to do with disliking nationalism of any type, Jewish nationalism feeling artificial and harmful, all nationalism feeling artificial (being about 200 years old, and maybe its better than rival empires or maybe just a mask for it) and harmful, and not liking friends holding beliefs that I struggle to rationally understand. I think it also has to do with my 'fringe' Jewish cultural identity and a strong Holocaust identification--it's a state created in response to the Holocaust, which I consider important, but one that I don't think my diluted Jewishness has any claim to. People going on their "birthright" scares me because of this, and because of the ideology that they come back with, particularly given that being friends with Muslims and traveling in the Middle East has made me much more sympathetic to Palestine than Israel, though I think I've learned to separate my feelings about states from my feelings about the people in them.
So, I'm glad I've given this a bit of thought.
Talked to Cheolseung rather than going to lectures today, and am still in a very strange and confused mood that is mostly unpleasant. Have some deadlines coming up, so need to get cracking on those. Mostly seeing if giving lethargy a long leash will make it go away. Results pending.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Fundamentally bored and vaguely dissatisfied
Yes, one of those times. Had a decent lecture about trying to understand locals beliefs around a mine in Papua New Guinea and a tutorial trying to understand Kant. I've had a couchsurfer for the last couple days--guy from Colorado on his gap year looking at St Andrews to see if he wants to come. Full of curiosity and worry and enthusiasm and caring-"where should I go to college?" It was a serious question, once. I told him that ultimately where-ever he goes he will rationalise it into the "right choice". He is worried about the cost of coming here. He wants to do psychology and philosophy and is interested in theatre.
It makes me wonder...and doesn't. In a lot of ways, St Andrews is such an anti-intellectual, unacademic place. People are burned out from the rigors of British schools and specialised and interested in career options over pure learning, and I find that I still enjoy and get more out of my blogs and internet searches than classes, even though they are at "my level" at this point. Everyone is looking to the future, everyone is getting drunk in the present. It's like some sort of national sore or scab of safety and properness and pure and utter boredom that the UK tries to cover with a thin salve of drunkenness and violence. There is a feeling of bitterness at the orderliness of first world life. There is so little spontaneous joy. Or maybe that's just me.
Everywhere, I feel a past of other possibilities. In less than 2 months, I will be 20. I have accomplished so much, but by whose standards? Academic learning is getting under my skin and I really want to pick up practical skills, to do manual labour. I am going through all the correct motions but am not really invested or interested in them. There is so much else out there. I learned just a few days ago that the university has a postgraduate museum curator course. How many walks of life are there that I have never even thought about, let alone learned about? No wonder so many people want to be teachers--in some ways, we are exposed to so little, and you can't want what you do not know.
I recognise doing things just to make myself feel good, and it scares me. Maybe its cooking for myself, but I've gotten much better attuned to my body chemistry and the fact that I can change my mood in clunky mechanical ways that aren't tied to anything else or important for anything but changing my mood. Rather than having some grand task or even smaller projects, rather than having a goal, I simply continue while regulating my oscillating moods. This is probably just removing the veil of purpose from my vision and seeing the world as it really is, but it's disheartening. I have so many friends, good marks, projects, accomplishments, plans, etc, etc. Etc. Maybe etc is the problem. (that sentence doesn't really mean anything.)
Give me some advice, older and wiser people. I want something new to look at, a new goal to consider, anything but, "yes, everyone goes through this..." In some ways, that's the most disheartening thing of all, isn't it? Kind of a cruel irony: dissatisfaction with the blase has itself become blase.
It makes me wonder...and doesn't. In a lot of ways, St Andrews is such an anti-intellectual, unacademic place. People are burned out from the rigors of British schools and specialised and interested in career options over pure learning, and I find that I still enjoy and get more out of my blogs and internet searches than classes, even though they are at "my level" at this point. Everyone is looking to the future, everyone is getting drunk in the present. It's like some sort of national sore or scab of safety and properness and pure and utter boredom that the UK tries to cover with a thin salve of drunkenness and violence. There is a feeling of bitterness at the orderliness of first world life. There is so little spontaneous joy. Or maybe that's just me.
Everywhere, I feel a past of other possibilities. In less than 2 months, I will be 20. I have accomplished so much, but by whose standards? Academic learning is getting under my skin and I really want to pick up practical skills, to do manual labour. I am going through all the correct motions but am not really invested or interested in them. There is so much else out there. I learned just a few days ago that the university has a postgraduate museum curator course. How many walks of life are there that I have never even thought about, let alone learned about? No wonder so many people want to be teachers--in some ways, we are exposed to so little, and you can't want what you do not know.
I recognise doing things just to make myself feel good, and it scares me. Maybe its cooking for myself, but I've gotten much better attuned to my body chemistry and the fact that I can change my mood in clunky mechanical ways that aren't tied to anything else or important for anything but changing my mood. Rather than having some grand task or even smaller projects, rather than having a goal, I simply continue while regulating my oscillating moods. This is probably just removing the veil of purpose from my vision and seeing the world as it really is, but it's disheartening. I have so many friends, good marks, projects, accomplishments, plans, etc, etc. Etc. Maybe etc is the problem. (that sentence doesn't really mean anything.)
Give me some advice, older and wiser people. I want something new to look at, a new goal to consider, anything but, "yes, everyone goes through this..." In some ways, that's the most disheartening thing of all, isn't it? Kind of a cruel irony: dissatisfaction with the blase has itself become blase.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Sustainable Development=underwater basket weaving
Just got back from a fieldtrip. What sort of fieldtrip, you ask? The basket weaving kind! No joke. Went to a transition town called Findhorn some 30 minutes away to learn about the many(?) uses of willow--plant it to purify sewage, burn it as biomass, or....weave...baskets. Or, as we did, platters! Little willow plates that look like highly flammable skillets. But it was lovely and sunny, so why am I complaining? If nothing else, it was a good community-building exercise, as it broke the monotony of lectures and actually got people engaging with each other to stave off boredom. So that's fun!
Busy day, actually, started with work (ambassadoring) at 10, fieldtrip at 1, and I'm just eating before heading to a rehearsal for Godspell that I believe is supposed to run until ten. Also have a couchsurfer coming from New York who should be in around that time, so it's non-stop go.
Hecuba went well! By Monday had all tech glitches sorted out. We could have used another day of rehearsal before opening and I wish we hadn't been dealing with crises so that I could have made more of an effort with publicity, but I'm not about to complain about medium-sized audiences for really out-there experimental theatre like this. Got good feedback from those that did see it, though, and we've got a review in the paper coming up, that should be cool.
Alright, I've finished dinner and must run to Godspell. More updates in the works!
Busy day, actually, started with work (ambassadoring) at 10, fieldtrip at 1, and I'm just eating before heading to a rehearsal for Godspell that I believe is supposed to run until ten. Also have a couchsurfer coming from New York who should be in around that time, so it's non-stop go.
Hecuba went well! By Monday had all tech glitches sorted out. We could have used another day of rehearsal before opening and I wish we hadn't been dealing with crises so that I could have made more of an effort with publicity, but I'm not about to complain about medium-sized audiences for really out-there experimental theatre like this. Got good feedback from those that did see it, though, and we've got a review in the paper coming up, that should be cool.
Alright, I've finished dinner and must run to Godspell. More updates in the works!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
The World Post-Tomorrow:
Today I have had:
An essay due in at noon: a reflection on my social audit of Coca-Cola.
Two lectures.
Running two hours of rehearsal for Hecuba.
Cheese on potatoes.
Whipped cream on an apple.
An essay due in at midnight: about Hume, titled "Empiricist Without a Cause"
Tomorrow I have:
Hecuba lights.
Hecuba music.
Hecuba set.
Hecuba costumes.
Hecuba dress-tech.
Hecuba blocking-opening-and-curtain-call.
Hecuba yelling at actors for being late.
And then:
The show opens. Out of my hands. Finished, for me. My next essay isn't until the end of the month. Life sags. Life sighs. Life mixes itself a margarita and takes a beach holiday.
(and figuring this summer, and my degree, and what I want to do extra-ciricular next year, and sorting out credit cards, and tidying up, and doing my reading, and writing more on this blog!)
An essay due in at noon: a reflection on my social audit of Coca-Cola.
Two lectures.
Running two hours of rehearsal for Hecuba.
Cheese on potatoes.
Whipped cream on an apple.
An essay due in at midnight: about Hume, titled "Empiricist Without a Cause"
Tomorrow I have:
Hecuba lights.
Hecuba music.
Hecuba set.
Hecuba costumes.
Hecuba dress-tech.
Hecuba blocking-opening-and-curtain-call.
Hecuba yelling at actors for being late.
And then:
The show opens. Out of my hands. Finished, for me. My next essay isn't until the end of the month. Life sags. Life sighs. Life mixes itself a margarita and takes a beach holiday.
(and figuring this summer, and my degree, and what I want to do extra-ciricular next year, and sorting out credit cards, and tidying up, and doing my reading, and writing more on this blog!)
Saturday, April 11, 2009
BBC article about latest St Andrews developments
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/7993666.stm
Saturday, April 04, 2009
one week off
One to go. It's been a good week? It's been a week. Nothing special, nothing much at all, really. When I get back into the thick of things I know I'll be grateful for it. There's really not much time left at St Andrews--April, May--then home. It's a bizarre feeling. I'm looking forward to getting stuff done, though not necessarily to all the hours of reading I've got for the essays due when I get back. Been watching lots of films ranging from the sublime (Harold and Maude) to dumbfoundingly bad to so-bad-its-good (Mad Max 2!). Reading a tidy bit, going to the gym, going to the dump to get electronic parts for my show...
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